Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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