There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
