Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
