we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
