please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
