Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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