nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
