It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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