True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
