Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
