I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
