my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
