You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
