i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
