sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
