You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
