so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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