okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
