Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
