i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
