i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
