she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
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How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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