why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
