the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
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You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
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He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.