your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now