Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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