Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
