I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
