No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
