I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
