if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
