I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
