I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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