I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
