My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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