took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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