Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
