i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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