is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
