this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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