We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
