Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
