I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
my liver is dry heaving
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
