sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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