im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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