I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
