I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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