I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
