Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
