I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
