god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
