Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You're like the curious george of whores
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
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