Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
